Der Daily Show

Holy fucking shit!!! I just discovered TONIGHT than on CNN Europe (which is the only newschannel I get here) that they show THE DAILY SHOW WITH JOHN STEWART at 1:30 a.m. which is too fucking awesome for me to comment on (although I will)!!! It's actually "The Daily Show: Global Edition" which is the exact same thing as the normal Daily Show, only John Stewart gives an opening address to the world and ends with an "International Moment Of Zen". Which is so fucking great!!!!!!!!!! Plus I'm really drunk (having ordered a couple of Liters of Beer tonight) which makes it even more awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But what's this about Craig being in jail?????? What the fuck is that all about? I'll fucking kidnap the nearest American tourist and demand that they release Craig or I'll chop off the guy's fucking head!!!

Luke: I don't masturbate as frequently as one might think. You probably masturbate every day that you don't get fucked by some hot bitch you meet at a party (although I can't speculate as to how often that is). But you'd better be "keeping it real" OKAAAYYYYYYY? WWWWHATTT???? YEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (--Little John)

Anyway, I hope you're having the Halloween Party of a lifetime. They never celebrated that holiday in Germany until a few years ago, but it's still not much of a big deal over here. I keep talking to Germans about the election, and everyone tells me that "Bush ist sehr schlecht" and whatnot. Last night I went to a big University Party over here, which was basically a bunch of Germans drinking Beck's and dancing to American dance music from 1997.

I will Blog y'all later. Free Craig! Free Craig! The Daily Show rules!!! Das Schwarze! You'd better fucking know about it!!!!!

Class With Nazis

Today I went to a class on the Vietnam War. All of the other Americans I’m here with went as well, and the class was packed. It's taught in English, but as usual the majority of students taking the course are Germans.

During the opening discussion, the professor asked if anyone had gone to the Vietnam war memorial and what they felt it symbolised. I raised my hand because I have been there and it was quite an intense experience for me. I described the wall and how I was overwhelmed with emotion thinking about how all of these people died for basically nothing. That it was so depressing to Americans because it was a war with no good results; only suffering.

Then a German raised his hand and asked me what I thought a war with “good results” would be. I said that I didn’t believe in the concept of war at all, and I didn’t think there it was necessary to try and stop communism in Vietnam, but if it actually had been a threat and we had stopped it, that would be “good” results. I could tell I wasn’t getting my point across, so I pointed out the difference between that war and World War II, and how that was seen by the allies as having good results and the people who fought in it were seen as heroes.

The reaction I got sent a chill down my spine as a great uneasiness overtook the room and everyone turned and made comments to each other. I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned World War II in front of a bunch of Germans. The kid who had asked me the question looked perplexed and said, “The people who fought in World War II were heroes?” And all I could say was “Well, that’s what they were seen as.”

The German sitting next to me whom I’d been talking to before class and had been explaining the set-up of the course turned to me and said, “It’s okay, it’s just that Germans perceive World War II a lot differently because we were losers.” I told him I knew and I probably shouldn’t have said that.

After class he came up and talked to me and the other Americans a little more about the subject. He explained how this was a touchy subject because in both of the world wars their country had lost, and now they all believe that their side was clearly in the wrong. For years afterwards nobody talked about it, much like the end result of the Vietnam War for Americans. They didn’t see anyone who fought in the war as “heroes” but merely as brave men who fought and died bravely for their country, whatever side they were on. So that was interesting.

But after that initial reaction from the class I had thought I was going to be burned at the stake. Luckily the professor explained later that I was right, and that in America the soldiers from WWII were celebrated and given parades, while soldiers from the Vietnam War were ignored or spat on. And even if some of the people in the room were angry with me for what I said, I’m sure most of them understood and it made me all the more interesting to them. I noticed a lot of the girls looking at me at arbitrary times, and I even got a few smiles for no reason. Whatever that means.

The Luke and Kem Variety Hour (now in color)

Yes, Kristin, you've taken the Blog to a whole new level with your colouring idea. Maybe now people will start Blogging besides me and Luke. But I doubt it.

This was the first week of classes. In Germany you just go to whatever classes you're interested in and then you can sign up to enroll if you want. There aren't many classes taught in English to choose from, but the first was on Tuesday, "African American History in Contemporary Novels and The Arts" so naturally it sounded like the shiznit. The room number is 0.454 and since we have no clue what we're doing, me and two friends go and sit in on the class. The prof comes in 20 minutes late, and starts talking in German about shit that definitely has nothing to do with Black history. So one of the guys I'm with turns to his neighbor and asks in German what the fuck is wrong? Turns out we were in room 454. Room 0.454 is in the fucking BASEMENT so the three of us get up and walk out of the class right in front of the professor and everyone like a bunch of assholes. Then we find the RIGHT room and open the door. There are about a hundred people packed into this tiny room, and the prof is speaking GERMAN. So we immediately close the door and ask each other "what the fuck?" again. Then we leave cause we're sick of this bullshit. We e-mailed the prof and it turns out the class IS taught in English but the prof spoke german on the first day cause most of the people taking it are germans and she didn't think it would be a problem.

The next class we wanted to try out was on Thursday, and we get there and sit in the room which is practically empty, until 10 minutes after the hour when some random german bitch comes in and asks us what we're doing, because the sign on the door said the class this week was cancelled and it actually starts NEXT WEEK. Then we left.

And that was my first week of classes. Which involved absolutely no classes at all. Just sitting in classrooms and finding out we made a mistake. Now I've got nothing to do until the next class I want to try out, which is next WEDNESDAY. Crazy German education system.

Pippi, what were you thinking that I would hook up with some some german "chic"? Don't you know me at all? I could never hook up with anyone, ESPECIALLY people whose language I can't even speak. Luke, I appreciate your comments about being funny and all. But it's much harder to be funny when you only know 5% of the vocabulary of whoever you're talking to. They laugh, all right, but only because you're making a travesty of their language with whatever you try to say. Crazy German language.

At least the fucking beer is good. Thanks for smoking those blunts for me. I might have found a weed-connection at last. One of the americans knows some exchange students from Ireland who know a drug-dealer here so perhaps I'll finally have some sweet sweet grass by the end of next week. Until then I'll have to be content with my SCHWARZ BIER. Which if you don't KNOW ABOUT by NOW, makes you a BITCH.

Enjoy your party, bitches!!!

Langweiligkeit (Boredom)

So, only two more posts since last time? More dissappointment. But at least we heard from Smashley. It's about time she blogged again, even though her Blog depressed me down even further in my already depressed state. I miss Autumn too, Smash. What the hell went wrong? Nobody is hanging out and partying anymore? Maybe it's the lack of BLOGGING that's to blame. This Blog is called "Autumn Leezy" but I haven't seen a single resident of Autumn post a Blog in ages. Only the squatter, and not too much by him either. The vast majority of posts are from non-Autumn residents, so yeah, what the fuck?

Life here couldn't be less exciting right now. The two week break we had after the German class is over and I have my first class tomorrow. But the way they do it here is very weird. You don't sign up for courses, you just go sit in on them and if you want to sign up, they pass around a sheet. Over the next two weeks I'll be trying out about 10 classes and I'll choose the best 3 or 4 to stick with.

The Simpsons in German is wacky. All of the characters sound like Uter. And instead of "D'oh" Homer says "D'ein" (I guess because the German word for "no" is "nein"). So you can impress your friends with that knowledge the next time you're watching.

To answer your question, I went out with all those German bitches because one of the nights I spent with my family they had something to do, and they asked around for girls in town who'd be willing to take me out. A couple of girls volunteered because they remember me from a festival I was at the last time I was here, in which we were all incredibly wasted and rowdy and I was a lot more outgoing and exciting. This time, however, they didn't give Kem a CHANCE to get drunk and lower those inhibitions to where you all know they can go. (Does anybody need THIS MUCH sock?...Watch out for those damn bats!!!...etc.)

Watched "We Were Soldiers" in German with the Germans in my kitchen last night, but I finished my beers early and left after the first half. Amazing how easy it is to understand these films without understanding the dialog. Mel Gibson is sad that he's leaving his family to go to Vietnam. Then they're in Vietnam and everyone gets shot. Not much more to it.

Wish I had something interesting to say. Wish YOU guys would take a break from your fucking homework and waste some time on the Blog. Maybe have a PARTY or something. Something tells me none of you are drinking enough. Well, I'll just have to drink extra for you, like you'd better be smoking extra for me. If you ever feel like you've had one too many blunts, just tell yourselves, "this one's for Kem."

Das Schwarze. Know about it, bitches.

Blög Is Back!!!

Well, I must say I was pleasantly surprised when I logged into the old Blogger website this time, expecting my last message to be the last message posted. But wait, there are 5 new ones!!! This is a good sign, people.

I spent this past weekend with my family in the Black Florest (not really, but close enough) and they fed me full of delicious home-cooked Wurst (sausage) and Schnitzel (??? something with pig ???), and let me at their never-ending supply of delicious, delicious German beer. And I have discovered the greatest beer ever made. (Craig, you'll love this) it's called "Das Schwarze" which for those of you who don't Hablo Germañolo means "The Black" and it's the blackest, darkest, most delicious beer ever made. And yes, it comes from the Black Forest. Das Schwarze. Know about it.

I also had a rather frustrating Kem night, when a bunch of ridiculously hot German bitches took Kem to a dance club but didn't talk to him at all. And Kem couldn't say anything to them because he doesn't speak German. When he actually tried to talk to them they would just laugh. Perhaps if everyone got drunk enough...but no, they weren't drinking. Lousy hot sexy German bitches.....whatever. They were too silly for Kem anyway.

And on the first night back at the dorm I was entering my kitchen to grab myself a beer when the guys who were already in there drinking told me to grab a beer and drink with them. I'd never been offered free beer by them before so I took advantage, grabbed one of their giant bottles of Bex (they actually DO drink that here) and sat and attempted to communicate with them. There were six of us guys and ONE fantastically hot German bitch. A Wurst-Party. They were shamelessly trying to pump her full of alcohol, but she retired early so they just pumped me full of alchohol, and I've been sick for the past two days. Never drink more than 9 giant german beers, people. Not a good idea.

You want to hear about Oktoberfest? Well, I couldn't tell you because I wasn't there. I have drank the Oktoberfestbier, which is delicious, Yastine. Fucking lecker (lecker = delicious). I was just at Herbstfest, which was almost equally cool but not as quite. We drank in the streets from clay mugs, surrounded by Rennassaince fair-type people. Jesters on stilts, stuff like that. Along with stands where people were forging real swords and doing all sorts of Lord-of-the-Rings type crafts. And we ate 1/2-meter Wurst, which beats the hell out of the foot-long hot-dog, let me tell you. So yeah, just a bunch of crazy drunken German rowdiness, only half the people there were American tourists, so what can you do?

You can never smoke too much weed, Luke, don't you know that? But you CAN drink too much fucking beer, as I've learned the hard way several times. It's just that after 6 or 7 of these monster-sized beers, you lose count. But I would trade a whole night of drinking for just one big, fat, juicy blunt. I'm fiending over here, people. And nobody seems too excited about going to Amsterdam. So fuck it. Why don't one of YOU come HERE and we'll go?

So yesterday I finally bought a TV and I've been watching The Simpsons in German which is fucking hilarious and lots of other crazy German things. They've also got CNN, and apparently there's an ELECTION going on in America, which I wasn't aware of!!! But it's British CNN so election news only takes up HALF the time. The rest is about how people are dying in the middle east. Did you hear about that little Palistinean girl who the Israeli soldier unloaded an entire round of ammo into even after she was dead? What the fuck is wrong with these Jews, man? I'm starting an anti-Jew group here in Germany. It's only a few days old, but it's already enourmously popular. Who would have thought?

Anyway, get well soon Craig. You all keep smoking or I'll have to come back and smoke FOR you. It's a PRIVILEGE (not a right) so take advantage of it while you can.

Das Schwarze. Know about it, bitches.

Smoking Weed Supports Terrorists...

...so you should all be ashamed. Except for luke and smidget, because they're cool enough to blog. Yeah, I did see the facial expressions because the webcast was surprisingly clear. I was able to watch the whole thing on a free video from MSNBC.com and sarcasm aside it definitely seemed that Kerry finally gained some ground in this election. He was always smiling at what Bush was saying like "do you HEAR this idiot?" while Bush was scowling the whole time like "how can I have him killed and make it look like an accident?" Plus, it was quite obvious that Kerry is the taller candidate and in the entire history of presidential elections since the debates have been televised, the taller candidate has won (except when the supreme court has stepped in). So there's your random fact of the day.

Today I went to the park and walked around while listening to music on my headphones, which I guess must be illegal in Germany because all the Germans I passed by were giving me nasty looks. I would smile and nod at them and they would scowl at me like I was raping a child. Other than that it's been a boring boring day because everyone else has gone travelling to exotic locations. I should do that soon but the of the two other people I hang out with, one is an asshole who I don't want to go anywhere with and the other has no money. So I need to learn German real fast and find some Germans who want to go to Amsterdam with me, or just go by myself and hope I don't die.

Keep blogging. Where the fuck is Craig? He's supposed to be on everybody's ass about blogging all the time but he's not even blogging himself anymore. There was a really nasty article about him in Kollier's this week, and if he wants to save his reputation he'd better blog soon and make everyone else do so as well.

"A woman should not tell a man what to do." -Kunta Kintay

Holla at your President

So I woke myself up at 3:00 in the morning last night so I could watch a live webcast of the debate because I still don't have a TV. Turns out my clock fucked up and it was actually 4:00 so I only caught the last 30 minutes, but I must say that Bush mopped the floor with that lousy Massachussetts liberal. I mean, seriously, how could the man accuse Bush of actually making a mistake in the way he went about the war in Iraq? Is it not completely obvious that Iraqis are much happier than they were before this thing? I'm sure they don't mind losing their families and children for all the maginificent freedom we've been bringing them! And I'm sure the families of the American soldiers are more than happy to have sacrificed their children to make this world such a safer place. I feel a lot safer than I did before the war began, not to mention all the respect that Bush has gained for our country around the world. Everywhere I go, Germans compliment me on having such a great, open-minded President who is willing for fight the good fight to spread freedom and democracy everywhere! They just hand me money as a token of their appreciation for my country making the world so much safer.
So if any of you pot-smoking liberal scum actually think of voting for Kerry, you should just Blog yourselves right now. I mean, did he really have to break down weeping like a little baby in the middle of the debate? Seriously, it was embarassing when his mother had to come out on the stage and hold him in her arms telling him it was ok and he was doing a good job and he could still be president.
And how about when he said, "I think we should re-instate Saddam Hussein as lord and dictator of not only Iraq but the entire middle-east."? Excuse me for thinking this is a bad idea.
I'm much more in support of Bush's plan to make Dick Cheney the Supreme Commander of the middle-east, to disband the United Nations, and to drop nuclear warheads on France until the whole country is destroyed and its entire population horribly mutated by radiation. That's a world I could live in...a world safe for freedom and equality! (except of course for gays and lesbians but they're not really people)

Anyway, I hope you bitches are having fun and still smoking lots of blunts because I sure as hell can't find any here. Last night there were TWO drug dealers in my kitchen but neither of them felt like selling anything. It was confusing, mostly because I can't speak German, but whatever. Amsterdam...soon. Then I might have something interesting to write about.
Luke, holla at yourself for blogging, and holla at Max for saying "meow". I don't think I'll be taking dance lessons any time soon, and now that my German class is over I won't be seeing the Big-Assed Brazilian Beauty ever again so I can just forget about her. You're probably right--she probably doesn't have enough substance for Kem, but there are just so few who actually do.
I've been having lots of lucid dreams here (because now that I don't smoke weed I can actually REMEMBER my dreams) and last night I lost my dream-virginity to Britney Spears. She's not that good...all she did was lie there like a slut but she seemed to enjoy it.
Other than that absolutely NOTHING interesting has been going on but now I've got two weeks off to travel around and I might start having some adventures. Not that any of you will hear about them except for Luke and Craig, and not that I have any incentive to actually write about them because most of you bitches are "too cool" for the Blog now.
But whatever. Hopefully Bush will be re-elected and you'll all be thrown in jail, where they will FORCE you to Blog (because that's what they do...according to Kolliers). Anyway, smoke a blunt for me, and share some with Kimbo's poor turtle.
Four more years! Four more years!