Verraten von Geheimnissen

Well hello there, Autumn Lane, (and by that I mean Luke and maybe one or two other people not necessarily from Autumn), it's me again. Haven't blogged in awhile because well I've been either really busy or really stoned. Between two trips to Amsterdam, one trip to Prague, and a trip this past weekend to Berlin, plus starting classes, registering for TCNJ classes, and finishing a paper for a class that ended two months ago, blogging just hasn't really popped up on my priorities list. But now I'm back, at least for now, as I might not post again for several months...which if you've read some of my earlier posts makes me a blogging hypocrite. Aber was kann man machen?

So smoking weed and travelling haven't been the only things I'm doing, as now that I've lived in Germany for over half a year they allow me to secret government meetings. I probably shouldn't write about those, but I doubt they'll ever read this blog (as nobody seems to anyway). Apparently Hitler is still alive and well, but with so much plastic surgery that nobody would be able to recognise him. But he no longer works for the German government, as now he's defected to the United States, which he sees as much more capable of carrying out his master plans. Nobody is sure who he is now, but the next time you see Donald Rumsfeld take a good look, as he is the number one suspect.

It also turns out that there is a secret faction within the German government operating twelve stories below the Reichstag building in Berlin, plotting when to begin World War III. Only this time their allies won't be Italy and Japan, but Mexico, Ecuador, and for some bizarre reason, Puerto Rico. The leader of the faction, the one who stands to take over power once the plans get under way, is actually David Hasselhof. He's been working with the German government for years, and eventually they plan to make his music the official music of the Fourth Reich, and Baywatch the official television series of the empire, banning all others.

But I only know about all that through secondary sources. The group I'm a part of is another faction, one so secret that not even Hitler or the WWIII faction members know about it. It turns out that millions of years ago, the area that is now Germany was populated by a race of extra-terrestrials, most of whom left during the last Ice Age, but from whom every Aryan person is descended. So if you have blonde hair or blue eyes, the odds are you're part alien. Once Russia and the United States started going into space, the aliens who left came back, and have been working in the utmost secrecy with my group in Frankfurt to invade the earth through a plot to export goods containing a mutagen which instantly turns anyone who consumes it into a German. There is no immediate outward or inward change, but rest assured that if you've ever eaten sauerkraut or drank German beer, the aliens will be able to take complete control of you when the Armageddon begins. As a member of this secret group (in which I am the sole representative of the United States) I will be spared, and allowed to save anyone I choose. So don't piss me off, or you'll all be wearing lederhosen and singing Rammstein when the plan gets under way.

So that's that. You probably don't believe me, but I can't blame you as it must sound like complete bullshit. I only found the group through an ad in Kolliars Zeitschrift, which apparently I'm the only person who has a subscription to. But if you want to find our group, just come to Frankfurt and look for a black person. There's only one and he happens to be in our group. Just say the password, "Ich bin ein Berliner" and he'll bring you along.

Aber jetzt habe ich vielleicht zu viel gesagt. Auf Wiedersehen, meine Damen und Herren.