PMA

Running does do a lot to improve your self-esteem. I tried doing it over here but it takes more time to walk to the park to go for a jog than the time I actually spend jogging in the park. Hopefully I'll take up that habit again when I return.

Speaking of which, I return on the 26th, which is a Tuesday. I want to have a party for my return but I also need to take care of a lot of shit when I get back, such as getting a new license so I can drive legally and purchase alcohol legally. So I need to coordinate this with you and the others in the house to figure out when the best night would be. That Friday perhaps? Maybe Saturday? Is anything going on then that would prevent this from being a possibility?

Going on a date, huh? The last time I did that was............um........well, it depends on what you would call a "date". I can tell you when the last time I kissed a girl was though: 3 years and 3 months ago. But she turned out to be a lesbian and hadn't enjoyed it, so again I don't know if that counts. But maybe that will help your understanding of why I'm so pessimistic and hopeless all the time.

we may all die now

Seriously, people. I know none of you care, but Pink Floyd is getting together for the first time in 24 fucking years and I'm only a 20-minute flight away. But I can't get tickets so I'm fucked. If any of you bastards know anybody or anything with access to a Live 8 London ticket tell them I will give them all of my future children as well as my eternal soul in trade for it. But yeah, that's unlikely, so I'll probably just have to go to London and get as close to Hyde Park as possible before being arrested. We'll see.

Anyway, Luke. The Biz Ness is still not taken care of. My dad has some questions:

"He want us to send (trying to remember) $421 for rent and $600 for security to someone in Edison.
Who is the person in Edison we are paying?
What is the address of the house? So we can reference something on the check.
What was the $200 for we sent to Matt? We are thinking this should be subtracted from something."

So either call him with that info or give it to me and I'll tell him.

That is all.

Biz Niss

Luke, I've been asked to remind you that my security deposit and rent still need to be paid for penwood. My parents are waiting for you to just call them and tell them where to send the $$ so I suggest you do that as soon as you get a chance. Or you can just tell me and I'll tell them. Either way, they want to give you money and all you have to do is tell them where to send it.

Also, any new developments in the Kok-Sin Security Depost fiasco? Is he aware that my family is prepared to drag his ass through the legal system if he doesn't fork over at least a potion of that money?? I can't speak for everyone else, but I'm sure that I personally did not do $600 worth of damage to that house.

Finally, if you could pick up a pack of blunts the next time you go out, that'd be great. See you tomorrow.

Kyle vs. Kem

Thanks for sending that dope, Corey. Really took the edge off last week. Of course now I'm shaking and getting chills and panic attacks, but I suppose it was worth it.

I was thinking about going back to Kyle next year. I prefer Kem, but it's so much easier to introduce myself as Kyle. Otherwise I have to go through the whole standard conversation:
"What's your name?"
"Kem."
"Ken?"
"No, Kem. K-E-M."
"Oh. What does that mean?"
"It's my initials, and the name I use to write with."
"You're a writer?"
"I hope to be."
"Oh, well I'm gonna go talk to that guy over there. Nice to meet you, Ken."
Anyway, that always pisses me off.

This no-fear-of-rejection thing sounds good though. Don't know how I'll pull that off as rejection is my #2 biggest phobia, just below feeling guilty, and just above spiders. But with enough alcohol in me I can probably nullify all that. Plus I'm going to try to alter my perspective so that whenever I'm talking to a woman I'll be thinking of it as ME evaluating whether or not I want HER. Instead of, "I've never had a woman," it'll be, "No woman has ever had me." And it's not like I'm desperate. I'd rather have no woman at all than some random shallow bitch.
Hopefully I can maintain that attitude for more than a few minutes.

Peace out, y'all. Now I'm going to go steal someone's car and sell it for dope money.

Deep Blue Blog

Wow, I didn't expect anything like that, Luke. Just thought someone might take a glance at it and say "interesting", not write a long, thoughtful response. But thanks, I appreciate it. I'm always happy to hear feedback. Guess it never occured to me that you'd be perfect for such a thing.

As for most of your responses, I agree with you. Keep in mind I wrote that essay 5 years ago, when I was only 16 and hadn't read so much as a lick of ACTUAL philosophy. Those were crazy times, and many of my ideas were only wishful thinking, such as all that about love and soul-mates. And the whole part at the end about rebelling and tearing down the wall, that was just adolescent bullshit. But I keep the essay there because it all came from the heart and like it or not, it does mark the genesis of my philosophical career. You'd probably get a lot more out of the third essay, which deals with humanity and why we should try to make the world a better place. Ideals which you seem to strongly champion yourself.

As for God, and whether it can be conscious, you'll find the answer in my second essay, the one I wrote at Autumn lane. I think that God is conscious, not necessarily as on omniscient being but through you and me and every other sentient being or entity in the universe. God is constantly creating the world, but not as a detatched phenomenon hovering in a dimension above the universe, but from right behind your eyes. God IS consciousness, and exists simultaneously in every conscious being at all times, constantly experiencing the universe and giving it meaning through things like us.

As for Jesus, I'm not sure anymore. When I wrote that I was still in my final phases of detatchment from christianity. I believed that Jesus was a soul who decided to come to earth with power over the illusion, able to change things (matrix-style) and aware of the greater Truth that most of us blind ourselves to. Now I think it's just as likely that he was nothing more than a talented magician with some nice ideas about God and love, who by a fluke in history ended up affecting the world more than any other human being who ever lived. But there's really no way to know, so this would be an instance where Truth is whatever a certain individual believes. I believe the world would be a lot better off if we stopped seeing him as God, but that's an entirely different issue.

Everything I wrote about judgment day was bullshit. Still clinging to christian concepts and trying to make them fit with my new ideas. Also this was the central idea behind my 825-page book I had written at the time.

What you wrote at the end is absolutely true, that all we know for sure in this life is that we have this life to live and we have the power to decide where it goes and what to do with it. As for what exists beyond our limitted knowledge of the universe, I merely offer possibilities. But if humanity is ever going to grow beyond this state of war and savagery we all need to realise that our fate IS a choice and we are consantly choosing it. Whether or not it has been chosen by God beforehand is irrelevant. Either we endure as a species or we go extinct. And if we keep believing that the world is going to end someday and we have no control over it, that's what will happen. It's the same with our individual lives. If we believe things are hopeless and we're already beaten, we are. But if we keep in mind that we are the masters of our own destiny, that we have the power to shape our lives the way we want and we actively work towards making it happen, then regardless of whether we go on after death we can be satisfied with our time here.

Damn, I didn't expect to be preaching like that on this blog. But yeah, that's my two cents on these matters.

As for Corey, I'm really glad to hear that you'd be willing to help me help him. I'll let him know and maybe soon he'll begin making appearances on the blog. He's an extremely interesting character, so he could spice things up here.

And finally, I can't wait to come back and talk about all this positive-mental-attitude shit with you in person. I've already grown quite a bit in my time here and when I return I plan on becoming a whole new Kem. Much more self-confident and positive. Maybe no longer AFRAID of women but someone who might actually be attractive to them. Of course this could just be wishful thinking but with your help in staying focussed on the "master-of-my-own-destiny" idea, I see no reason I can't be succesful.

Adios. Auf Wiedersehen. Au revoir. See ya.